With Linsanity not on TV, Wizards playing at 10:30, and terrible college basketball matchups on I guess I have to resort to a running diary of 2 hours of American Idol…Yea that one hurt me too…
8:00-Is there a more overrated show than the Big Bang Theory? Answer: Yes, Two and a Half Men. Also, can a show be too hyped that I don’t even want to watch it? That new Smash show with Katherine McPhee is too damn confusing with its advertising. Is it a play? a musical? a reality show? This is what happens when I can’t watch Lin…
8:01-Jesus Idol, you’re one minute behind, I blame LeBron. I’m greeted with a montage of last week’s drama. Apparently there was a lot of puking and people stating, “This is all I ever wanted, singing is all I have.”
8:05-First group of the night: The Bettys. Or as Steven Tyler slyly quips with a blank response from J-Lo, “Couldn’t it have just been Betty and the Boobs?” Score 1 for ST. All I have written down in my notes is: Bettys Bomb+more shots of people puking.
8:11-First of many commercial breaks after a group named Groovesauce hits one out of the park and receive a bunch of “Wooo’s” from Randy. Gotta love the guy though, the only judge to make it this far.
8:13-So the plot of The Vow is that Rachel McAdams gets in a crash, loses her memory, and Channing Tatum has to convince her they were in love before? Hell if I found out Rachel McAdams had amnesia I would claim we were in love too. Btw if “Smash” totally sucks they should change the name to “Crash”….anybody…anybody…?
8:16-The 6,7,9 Group is next. Led apparently by some chick named Brielle and her mother. Also, apparently bitchiness runs in the family. Everyone makes it except frat-boy crooner Kyle Crews, much to the happiness of Brielle’s mama, “We love Kyle, he has a pretty good voice.” Ouch…
8:23-Holy crap, i’m barely a 1/4th of the way through…wait did that girl just fall? First casualty of the night! They promoted it at the top of the show, and Jackie is down! The Ref is above her counting off! One…two…the group is planning on going on without her…three…four….Jackie’s pulling a Willis Reed! Too bad her group can’t rally, Dustin and Tentgirl (she’s the girl who lives in a tent, come on people keep up) both forget the words.
8:25-Scientology commercial……wow I can’t even think of a pun to go along with that
8:30-More montages of people forgetting the lyrics…btw wasn’t/isn’t there a show called “Don’t Forget the Lyrics” with Mark McGrath?
8:34-Coming up…more fainting?? Ryan, what cologne are you wearing today???
8:37-Commerical for something called Dream Nude Airfoam by Maybelline. I could get behind that product. Apparently it is 100% Nude Perfect.
8:39-I’m sorry but aren’t there certain actors who you just can’t see in anything else. Kiefer Sutherland falls in this list. I know he has this new show where his mute son holds the key to the universe but I keep expecting him to kick down a door and scream, “WE NEED MORE TIME!” Other actors I can’t watch in anything else: The Napoleon Dynamite guy (I have no idea what his real name is) and the guy from Monk (Tony Shaloub I think is his name). See!! I don’t even know their freaking names!
8:45-Ryan Seacrest tells us for the 28th time that Group Round is “Heating up!” I would be impressed if one time Ryan was just honest and said, “Yea..group week is boring as hell.”
8:50-Faint Watch! Imani (Iman Shumpert’s sister, no not really) is down!
8:55-Imani tries to rejoin her group again, but falls again! No Imani! Don’t go a third time!
9:00-…Imani faints again, this time on stage to be sure all the cameras catch her. Ryan: “The Unthinkable just happened!” Really dude…she just fainted twice in the past half-hour, the unthinkable?…
9:01-Question: Are the judges A-Holes if they send Imani home?
9:02-Answer: Yes, and they do
9:05-My two favorites (god someone shoot me) are two dudes by the name of Phillip Phillips and Heejun Hun who i’m calling from now on: Jeremy Lin. They both make it through, Linsanity lives on!!
9:09-Apparently the second half of the show is individual performances, which is what people want to watch. Group Round is worse than the Pro-Bowl.
9:11-PP and J-Lin do me proud, both advance.
9:23-Reed, not understanding the whole idea of playing with the AI band, suddenly has 30 minutes to figure out how to change his previously arranged acapella. In those 30 minutes he somehow manages to meet with a vocal coach, call his mom (he actually calls her i’m not lying), and figures out the entire arrangement. 2 minutes before he goes on he changes his mind and decides to play drums and sing. Could this be the biggest botch since Detroit signing Iverson??
9:24-Darn…he totally kills it.
9:30-I’m beginning to lose my mind…as more people sing “Georgia is on my mind”.
9:45-Everybody is split into 4 groups in 4 different rooms. I mean, isn’t it obvious if you’re in a room with someone who totally kicked ass that you are in the right room? If I turned around and saw someone who totally sucked I would know its all over.
9:50-PP and J-Lin are still in it! 3 rooms make and 1 room doesn’t.
9:55-The remaining contestants head to Vegas for more…oh dear god please no…group singing!
10:00-I just wasted two hours of my life, and you just wasted 10 minutes of yours reading this…
By Ben Simpson